Battle between the Sexes

Have you noticed that the war between the sexes seems to be getting worse? Polarized superpowers have buried the hatchet, but the war between American women and men continues unabated. On every television talk show, women and men are increasingly bitter in their accusations toward one another. We feel the tension in the universities, in our homes and in our workplaces.

The social contracts between women and men are rapidly changing. Often, however, these changes are being enacted on behalf of one sex or the other. Thus, there is a growing mistrust between the sexes in many sectors of our culture. Most men and women seem unable to tolerate the paradoxical idea that they can have differing, but equally valid, perspectives on many issues. Thomas-Hill and Tailhook brought harassment issues to the foreground. In their wake, however, instead of a productive social dialogue that enhances understanding between the sexes, more resentment seems to have grown.

In an attempt to address some of the discord between the sexes, we have been conducting gender councils around the country. We invite groups of men and women spend some time apart to talk about their issues with the opposite sex. Then we bring them into an encounter with one another. In one of our groups this spring, Susan, a thirty-five year old advertising executive, told the men, "Most men these days are insensitive jerks. When are men going to get it that we are coming to work to make a living, not to get laid. Anita Hill was obviously telling the truth. Most of the women I work with have been harassed as well."

Michael, her co- worker replied, "Then why didn't she tell him ten years ago that what he was doing was offensive? How are we supposed to know where your boundaries are if you laugh at our jokes, smile when you're angry and never confront us in the direct way a man would. How am I supposed to learn what's not OK with you, if the first time I hear about it is at a grievance hearing?"

Most of us heard permutations of this same conversation. Similar conflicts abound:

Gina, a 32 year old school teacher in Washington DC. asks "Why don't men ever take no for an answer?"

Arthur, a 40 year old construction foreman, replies that in his experience, "Some women do in fact say no when they mean yes. Women seem to believe that men should do all the pursuing in the mating dance. But then if we don't read her silent signals right, we're the bad guys. If we get it right, though, then we're heroes."